Have you noticed how many of your habits are similar to your parents’? Of course, the degree varies—after all, times have changed, and so have our levels of education.
Yet for all the differences, the similarities remain striking.
I have a friend whose personality is very much like her father’s. Both are educated and culturally inclined, yet both have low emotional intelligence and often speak in ways that offend others.
She may not realize it herself, but it’s obvious to an observer like me. Thankfully, she offends people far less severely than her father, thanks to her higher education and broader life experience.
I also know a medical doctor whose parents divorced, and whose mother died by suicide not long after.
Through hard work, he earned his doctorate and secured a job. Yet in his twenties, he became addicted to gambling, ran up huge debts, and also took his own life.
Have you ever noticed that children who excel academically usually come from families with a certain "scholarly aura" or "official bearing"?
It doesn’t have to be high-ranking officials. There might be someone who worked in the public sector their whole life, a minor civil servant, a teacher, or simply someone who loves reading and writing. In short, there’s always some connection to such pursuits.
This isn’t limited to parents—it can be grandparents, great-uncles, or other relatives. Through my work in feng shui, I’ve observed this pattern in countless families.
Another friend of mine performed poorly in school and was quite mischievous as a child. Her first husband was a drug addict; her second marriage was better, as he at least had a job, but they later divorced and she raised their child alone. Strangely enough, her child is an excellent student.
Judging by the parents alone, this family doesn’t seem promising. Yet her father had long been a government cadre, and her younger sister was also academically gifted and held a minor official position.
There’s a psychological concept called repetition compulsion, first proposed by Sigmund Freud.
It refers to an innate, unconscious drive to repeat early-life traumas.
A poignant example is the famous writer Ernest Hemingway. Though he wrote about tough, resilient characters, his family seemed cursed.
His father died by suicide. Hemingway himself, despite fame and immense wealth, ended his life with a shotgun.
Tragically, his granddaughter Margaux Hemingway followed the same path at the age of 42.
All of this stems from a kind of loyalty—a subconscious loyalty to one’s family roots, which leads people to step into the same pitfalls again and again. Beyond loyalty, there is also familiarity.
Someone raised in a chaotic, argumentative household may feel uncomfortable or even anxious if given a peaceful, warm life. They will unconsciously sabotage it, pushing things back to the familiar turmoil they know.
Are these patterns set in stone? Absolutely not. So how can we break free?
I mentioned my friend’s case earlier; let me use my own experience as an example.
My father had a bad temper, and when angry, he would speak cruelly. I used to be the same way. Fortunately, I began spiritual practice in my twenties, so my temper never became as severe as his.
True awakening came for me after the age of 40. Partly through self-awareness, and partly through reminders from others, I started reflecting and learning what to say—and what never to say.
From then on, even when upset, I tried to stay calm. I avoided hurtful words, especially when speaking to loved ones.
This shows that such patterns can be changed. But first, you must face your flaws honestly. If you refuse to admit you have any problems, nothing can be done.
In Buddhism, this is called the collective karma of the family. We can inherit and learn from the good in our family lineage, but we must actively change the bad, so it is not passed down through generations.
From the perspective of feng shui, these patterns are linked to the feng shui of ancestral graves and ancestral homes. Generally speaking, without altering the feng shui of these sites, it is very difficult to change a family’s collective karma.
Even after adjusting the feng shui of ancestral graves and homes, change does not happen overnight.
This is because feng shui and family influences become imprinted in our genes from birth—a belief often expressed as "one’s fate is set the moment they cry at birth."
Therefore, the most effective approach is twofold: adjust the feng shui while cultivating personal virtue and continuous learning. only by combining both methods can lasting change be achieved.